I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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