Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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