The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
