Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Alive.
So much puke
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
