Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
