I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
