Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
