I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Randomize
