so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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