Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
