I heard we made out
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
