I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Randomize
