The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
