The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
