my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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