I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
