You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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