Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
