first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
