What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Randomize
