Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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