When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Randomize
