he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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