I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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