Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Randomize
