booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
