Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
