So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
sarcasm needs its own font
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
My dad is sitting where you rode me
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
