I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
