Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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