so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
