He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
