I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
