I think I won the penis lottery.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
