Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
