I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
