I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
