I haven't been this sober since birth.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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