Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
