i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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