My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
