ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
