LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
