KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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