Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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