She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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