Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
