There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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