I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
