someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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