Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
